Friday, May 10, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
This guy is pretty cool. He agrees that LINT-BE-GONE should have been invented a little before the wheel. No one knows where belly-button lint comes from. Many have speculated, and some have even tried to prevent it by foregoing clothing for weeks on end, but little has ever come of it 'til now. Say goodbye to strangely textured fur-balls nuzzling in your stomach! Say goodbye to random peanut M&M's hidden in your gut! Lint-Be-Gone is here! Also available for babies, salt cubes, and telephone poles.
Well now, with a brief, 4-semester certificate program at MCLI, all of those morons can perfect their laughter and rejoin normal society! With our approved-accreditation and competent staff of professional laughers, you can be sure that after graduation, Joe Dickneck will never laugh like an asshole again! Enroll TODAY!
Breeze Crotch should have been invented along with briefs. Let's face it, fellahs, nothing is worse than summer stew-crotch, especially when out on a picnic with a rocking babe (or Aunt Edna). Breeze Crotch employs a self-regulating cooling fan that cools you down when you need it most.
Take our model, Jonas, for instance, as you can see from the complex artistic rendering, it may be summer out, but it's winter in his junk! Don't like the Rugged-Tuxedo look, Breeze Crotch is also available in a variety of colors, patterns, and sizes!
Still Not satisfied? How about a bigger package? Done! As a result of the uncomfortable (and 100% safe) size and placement of the Breeze Crotch fan, you can now live out your fantasy of being Labyrinth's Jareth The Goblin, as immortalized by that sweet piece of meat, David Bowie! Crotch rot? Breeze it with Breeze Crotch!
The thing is, dogs have been so domesticated by pussy-ass people, that in most cases, they've lost their doggie mojos and overall will to live. But those days are over! From the people that brought you Bacon Bits and the hit movie, Benji, we present Colonel Kennel Barking School- for dogs who want to take control of their lives!
CKBS will not only provide your cute, little doggies with the effective power and pitch needed for their barking needs, but will also help them develop a solid sense of worth and physical acumen! Have a bitch-ass dog? Send him to CKBS! CKBS, give your dog a new leash on life!
According to Newsweekly, each year, somewhere between 3 and 15,687 people lose a finger or toe on the job. Imagine having to go through life without one of those babies. Do you work with dangerous equipment? Did you just nod? Good. Are you worried that this might happen to you? Nodding? Stop fucking worrying! Now with the Toe-Matic, you no longer have to worry about long lines at the emergency room or about disposing of your diseased bloody paper towels! Because with Toe-Matic, you can pop on a new appendage at the simple snap of a finger!
Simply, refill the Toe-Matic regularly with the fingers/toes of refugees or undocumented citizens, accidentally cut, and pop! You're all set! It's THAT simple. Safe job environment? Don't fret! Distract or play a trick on your co-worker! He'll be laughing in no time when he sees how easy the Toe-Matic is to use! Babyheads gives the Toe-Matic two thumbs up!
And now, a word from our Sponsors:
Monday, July 9, 2012
1) I want to wrestle with a political sandwich.
2) The lonely coast, from here to from, is four jelly beans that stare.
3) My groin lost its ocean meat, macaroniously speaking.
4) Where did you time?! I'm a barnacle truth.
5) I've come from incisor ball and have a mink for sausage queen.
6) Oh my god, the cheese is milking my face and I'm Norton!
7) HAHA, you dumb shit! I'm inhaling a cat rap.
8) Is there a cocoon in my nose to sleeve, Manpacket?
9) I hereby declare that I have spork visions.
10) My favorite music is potato chip.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Anyway, I don't want to write about this anymore because it's making me hate. Moral of the story, teenagers are demons and they want to eat your flesh.
And since we're on the topic, I find road signs to be ambigous and confusing in general. They are written in a language that humans (i.e. dumb-ass, nut sacks) will never fully understand. The best example of this is the infamous "Slow Children" sign. This one right here:
Now, is the sign telling me, as a driver, to slow down because there are children around? OR is it telling the children to slow down because there are cars in the area? OR is it telling us drivers that there are "slow" (meaning, retarded) children in the area so that I be aware of the possibility that a rabid little girl with Down Syndrome may potentially hop on the roof of my car and eat her way in? No offense to you Down Syndrome girls- I'm just trying to make a point. I still love you guys.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Hi kids! Know you're all jonesing to hear the rest of the story of human's history! Well, just chillax, get out your sandwich, poke that straw into your juicebox and get ready for...
So when we left off, anatomically modern humans had spread to all parts of the world, overthrowing the previous regimes of The Sabertooth Tiger Empire and Woolly Mammoth Dynasty with the use of a powerful new weapon made by attaching a sharpened stone to a long stick, Spear. This combined with their snazzy new skill firemaking, they made Burning Spear.
Burning Spear, once properly hafted and alit, quickly allowed humans to rise to the top of the food chain with his steady beats and intelligent retrospective lyrics, which, while often not as heavy as say Dennis Brown, constantly reminded early humans of the social inequality in Jamaica at the time. In academia, Burning Spear is generally considered the terminal Palaeolithic and beginning of the Middle Stone Age, or...
The Mesolithic has been a period largely ignored in archaeologically research until the past few decades. While the Palaeolithic had motorcycles and ape-men and the Neolithic has agriculture, the Mesolithic lacked a real defining characteristic. Until the efforts of one man.You see, back in the period we archaeologists refer to as "the day" (c. 1910-1960), the Neolithic was championed by a man named Vere Gordon Childe. Childe had ridiculous glasses, an odd name, a crazy mustache, often talked to himself, and was a downright weirdo. In other words, the perfect archaeologist.
With the Childe riding the Neolithic white war steed into battle the period reached new heights and Neolithic stock rose through the roof. But all cool people are destined to become uncool one day. As time went on lithographs of a new archaeologist started appearing in the student centre's billboard, John Grahame Douglas Clark.
Grahame Clark was younger, sexier, had a longer name, no mustache, and wouldn't shut up about "socio-economies". In short, he was the bee's knees.
And also, for some reason, he cared about a little known period called the Mesolithic. Incidentally, I need to install Photoshop already and stop messing around with MS Paint. As all the female archaeologists wanted him and all the male archaeologists wanted to be him, no one ignored the Mesolithic ever again. So what actually happened during the Mesolithic? I haven't a clue.
The Neolithic is considered the beginning of agriculture and pastoralism. That and building big things. Those wacky guys couldn't get enough of it! The predominant theory was that after farming and livestock had been adopted by the ex-hunter gatherers, they became very very very bored. Stalking killer bears in the forest does not compare to watching wheat grow or making sure your slow moving sheep do not walk off a cliff. So to pass the time they built monuments. Here are a few you will probably recognize:
After the destruction of the several limestone Death Stars by pesky rebel scum, Neolithic groups decided it was time to hurry up and find some metal to make them out of. And so we leave the Stone Age and enter the exciting, shiny AGE OF METAL. Stay tuned for your next fat dose of history, the Bronze Age!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Name of condition: Disfalafeloofahlexia
Description: The inability to distinguish a loofah from a falafel while making a sexually harassing phone call.
Celebrity: Bill O'Reilly
Name of condition: Pseudoreleventia
Description: The mistaken belief that what you say or think has any relevance whatsoever to anyone.
Celebrities: Joan Rivers, Ryan Seacrest
Name of condition: Pubofrenia
Description: A delusional state where the sufferer believes his or her actions should be guided by a specific patch of body hair.
Celebrity: Adolf Hitler (NOTE: Also common amongst porn stars and pedophiles.)
Name of condition: Communist Compulsive Disorder or CCD
Description: An uncontrollable, overriding urge to see and point out Communist conspiracies in everything observed.
Celebrity: Glenn Beck
Name of condition: Unconstricted Anus Syndrome
Description: Becoming Gay after bashing homosexuals.
Celebrities: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Glenn Murphy Jr., Bob Allen (NOTE: Possibly caused by a virus that flourishes within GOP conventions/gatherings.)
Name of condition: Immortality
Description: Self explanatory.
Celebrity: Todd Bridges (R.I.P. Gary Coleman and Dana Plato) (NOTE: Find out if Mr. Drummond is still alive and what his real name is/was.)
And now, a word from our Sponsors:
Thursday, July 22, 2010
But I was willing to adapt. Although these individuals who engage in so-called “free love” are going to hell, I will treat them with the same level of courtesy and respect I afford to any child of God.
But little did I know, that this wasn’t the end of the Sodom and Gomorrah-ization of the United States. Yes, that’s right: I’m talking about the “homosexual” question.
When you have queers like Will from Will and Grace and Ellen from the Ellen Degeneris Show parade around as if their homosexuality were a badge of honor, you know that our society is going down the toilet bowl, and QUICKLY! When you see the utterly surreal act of a man reading wedding vows to another MAN (only in Taxachusetts!), you start thinking to yourself, “am I just stuck in a bad dream?”
Let’s face it, the gays are taking over and celebrating their sinfulness with gleeful abandon.
But, again, they are still children of God and we must learn to separate the Sin from the Sinner. This is why, contrary to some of my friends, I accept gays. Sure, they are damaged humans who have an unnatural connection to their mothers (or fathers if they are Lesbians), but they are still made in God’s image and I will not raise my voice or hand against them.
Now, in this current environment, there is one tragic trend that is going unnoticed, one type of relationship that is quickly becoming obsolete. Yes, I’m talking about the platonic friendship and love that one man can share with another man. God-fearing heterosexuals are simply too scared to form intimate NON-SEXUAL bonds with another man for fear of being labeled “gay.” And the gays these days are so sex-crazy that the second they see another man, it is impossible for them to think of anything except anal intercourse.
Our boys are missing out on a variety of enriching and lifelong friendships because they cannot separate innocent male intimacy from the sinful and unnatural relationship inherent in homosexuality. Any hug is seen as a come-on and a compliment is seen as flirting. A long, deep conversation might be mistaken for a prelude to “hooking up.”
But not all hope is lost. There is one tool that God-fearing, heterosexual men have in their arsenal (no pun intended), a way to engage in very loving, non-sexual man-to-man relationships, without fear of being labeled as a homosexual. This is known as “nohomo.”
Nohomo is an elegant concept, an explicit affirmation that you are not gay. The basic idea is that when you are engaging in something which could be mistaken as homosexual activity, you say “nohomo” in order to put your special friend’s mind at ease.
This phrase should be taught to students so that they can use it as a shield and develop the intimate same sex relationships that they long for. Our completely straight boys will be able to hug, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes without fear of reproach.
In fact, let me close this with a personal, anecdotal story, to show you the power of “nohomo.” My friend Billy (no relation to our Bill) is a barber and I’ve been going to him for many years, because he knows how to give me the perfect haircut. Well, we just have the most interesting conversations when I’m sitting in the barber chair, and I thought it might be fun to go to a bar with him and discuss life over a few brewskis. However, I hesitated, nervous that if I made the first move, he would back off, thinking I was a closet gay looking to prey on his youthful body.
As you might guess, this was the perfect opportunity for me to use nohomo. I said, “Nohomo, Billy, but I’d really like to grab a drink with you sometime.” Billy smiled. “I’m really glad that you said, Nohomo, first, or else I would have been pretty weirded out!” he replied.
And there you have it! Billy and I have been able to engage in an intimate and meaningful NON SEXUAL relationship all because of one little magic phrase.
Wanna know more? Check out what Bryan Safi had to say on That's Gay:
And now, a word from our Sponsors: